Since I had my first Covid vaccine in February the way I feel has begun to change and it’s not the positive change that I’d hoped for.
I felt a real sense of hope the day I had the vaccination and cried with relief at the idea of being able to go and see friends in other towns again. It felt as though even though there will never be an end to the pandemic there could be an end of a kind in sight.
Lately I have been sitting at home and regularly feeling hope followed by despair and hysteria bubbling in my throat. I’ve mentioned this to a few people and they’re feeling the same way. We’re now in the second year of the pandemic and things may not change the way I need them to this year and it feels like things will never change.
Travelling on trains for short journeys or a few days away has always been one of the safety valves which help me manage Bipolar Disorder and it has been taken away from me. I stand at my living room window and watch trains travelling to and from the station up the road while I yearn to be on them.
Because one of the major tools in my box is missing it’s causing things within my mind to not work quite as they should and, for the first time in a year, it’s the Bipolar Disorder that’s causing problems and not the inner anxiety about the pandemic. Perhaps one is feeding the other now but debating that is pretty pointless.
I have been finding it harder to cook and even harder to tidy up after myself when I have cooked. I’ve been missing the timings while cooking and some of the food has tasted dreadful. I used to cook for a living so when such a basic skill falls away it devastates me.
In the past I have fought against the ready meal route as people tend to look down on those of us who feel that there is no other solution available but this time it’s a solution I’m embracing.
Ready meals have got much better in recent years and because nutritional information is now printed on the packaging then it’s much easier for me to keep a track on what I’m eating.
Today I have bought a condenser dryer to help myself when it comes to laundry. I am enjoying the idea of being able to wash, dry and put away clothes in one day instead of the several days it takes me now because I have to iron most things.
At times I hate the insight that I have in to my illness and the way I have to live my life but at other times, such are these, insight helps me to make simple decisions. As for travelling and the pandemic, all I can do is the same as everybody else is doing – wait, see and dare to hope.