Take it easy

I’ve been falling over a lot lately. Twice in one week a few weeks ago and once a few months ago. No serious injuries but enough to lay me up for a week or so and the last two falls were so close together I was encouraged to see my doctor.

Before I saw him I looked at disability scooters and discounted that idea. They’re very expensive and let’s just say my hand/eye coordination is somewhat lacking. I looked at rollators and decided that it was exactly the thing I needed and with the bonus of a built in seat.

I had a long and tearful conversation with my doctor. We talked about how exhausted I felt, about eight years of troublesome dogs. Eight years of having one dog babysat once a week to find, after his death, that the person I was leaving him with was exposing him to new experiences that unsettled the dog. The second a medium sized teddy bear of a thing who he made giddy and then dumped him back on my doorstep where he resembled a toddler full of e-numbers.

Then there was Leonard whose early death left me devastated but also relieved. Relieved for my cats who are loving life without him, relieved because I no longer had to search for quiet places that don’t exist in this part of town and relieved because I wasn’t spending so much money on him.

For the first two weeks after Leonard’s death I didn’t stop moving. I cleaned the flat, walked to and from town at the fastest pace I could, and then I fell and then I fell again.

My sobriety blog this year was about Leonard with a few lines at the bottom of the “Oh by the way.” kind. I felt relieved that Leonard wasn’t enduring the madness he’d been going through, guilty because I was relieved for him and just so very tired.

My doctor is much wiser than me though he says I’m wiser than him at times. We have an exclusive mutual support group. When he told me there was no obvious physical cause to my falling over and that it was almost certainly down to exhaustion I started to breathe out for the first time in a long time.

I have rules now. I try to go shopping with someone else or take the rollator. I’m drinking a smoothie most days to improve my diet. I’m reading more and watching TV less (I do feel a binge watch of Shetland coming on though) and the reading I’m doing is pretty lightweight compared to my usual stuff.

I am doing things slowly, I am repairing myself. Meditation is back to being a healing act not something I squeeze in between dog walks, I’m sitting on the step pretending to read but I’m actually smiling at the dogs in the churchyard as they play.

I’m taking it easy.