I have finally deactivated my Twitter account. It is now gone and I’m betting that most of the people I knew there haven’t noticed I’m not there.
I also deleted BlueSky because that too was a social media site that I no longer need.
I have a Facebook account which is my cousins and two friends and a linked Instagram account.
I’m still thinking in short sentences and, as a result, I’m finding it difficult to write blog posts.
I’ve caught up on a lot of box sets and I’m reading a lot more both of which are great and I’ve actually started doing some artwork again.
I’m not unhappy.
I have been feeling empty in my head lately and talking to my doctor this afternoon has helped me understand what the emptiness is.
I’ve not been depressed for a long time; I’ve felt sad but not depressed. I’ve not been manic for quite a while (even though I’ve presumed I am) but I have been mischievous and stirred things up in a benign way just because I can.
I have never known what normal feels like as I was diagnosable with Bipolar Disorder when I was barely into my teens but…
My last psychiatrist said that Bipolar Disorder cannot be cured but as you age the effects of it can lessen and the hold it has over a person can slacken. With the right medication things can change dramatically.
For the first time in many years the gap between appointments with my GP will be three months. My medication will remain. To all intents and purposes I am not cured but I am normal and it feels good in an unmanic way.
I’ve always struggled with food and eating it and then eating too much of it and always the wrong kind.
When I was a child there was very little I could eat or would eat and I infuriated my mother. I was a fussy eater and nothing was good enough for me in her eyes. Nowadays it would be recognised that I had what became Disordered Eating.
I was so skinny and undernourished that there were serious doubts about my lifespan. I can remember our GP telling my mum if I didn’t begin to eat properly then I would die. I was put on Complan which was a meal replacement drink associated with, back then, old people.
I survived (obviously) but it’s only for a short time that I could be described as thriving. All through my teens and early 20s I didn’t eat because my mother constantly harped on about how poor we were. I thought if I ate less then our income would stretch further. It would have stretched much further had she spent less on clothes and make up.
Then I moved to Bristol and became a full time drinker for six years and stopped only when I was brutally informed that if I didn’t sort my lifestyle out I’d be dead within two years. As you can see I sorted my lifestyle out.
Then I began to eat and became a decent weight but of course there was no happy ever after. I met a man who decided I was all skin and bone and that I needed to put on weight. He was a feeder whose manipulative behaviour led me being twice the weight I was at my thinnest. Later, whilst under the care of an amazing psychiatrist, I learned that I had Disordered Eating which is the stage before a specific eating disorder emerges.
I got down to being not too overweight but also not in a comfortable place about it.
Fast forward to eight weeks ago. Having had a series of falls, I bought a rollator and due to feeling “wobbly” my GP suggested that I always carry a snack with me (I chose protein bars) so that if my blood sugar dipped and I began to wobble then I could unwobble myself.
It has worked to the point that not only has my walking and balance improved I have lost weight in a steady an healthy way. I’ve just had to buy some clothes in a size smaller than I’ve worn in years.
Here’s to being healthier and wiser.
So I’ve ditched most of my social media and it has become apparent that I spend far too much time playing casual games on my iPad. One of them I’ve been playing for a decade and since I don’t drink or smoke I’ve spent money on some features. Today it is deleted and gone.
That leaves me with what could be a difficult time weaning myself off a game or two that I’ve played every day for too long.
All those books that have been piling up because I’ve had no time to read them should now get read. All the podcasts I haven’t listened may well be heard.
Onwards and .upwards.
My attempt at leaving Twitter hasn’t worked out mainly because I realised that I couldn’t rant about things that matter to me. I have deleted Facebook successfully and managed to keep my Instagram intact despite all the help sites saying it was impossible.
I have had to put my television into storage as the kitten has discovered the delight of using his tiny little paws to push off the books I have on the top of one bookcase and then looking down with delight at his work. He is gorgeous but who on earth thought it was a good idea to invent small animals?
Things are still very hard both mentally and physically. Yesterday I wasn’t sure how long I could keep going on then an unexpected positive incident made me, and other members of our community, feel listened to. Some days can turn on their head in a spectacular fashion.
Today will not be easy but the efforts I make will eventually produce a positive result. Meanwhile I am sat in my GPs waiting room and hoping for a smidgeon of good news.