Betrayal

I don’t think it’s wrong to expect a degree of protection from your mother and though this wasn’t the last time she betrayed me it was the worst time. It has taken me a long time to get over the fear I feel of her from afar and I’m not sure even now she is elderly I could be in the same room as her and not be frightened.

I was 17 and she stood in the corner of the pub with him and drank the drinks he bought for her all night. She insisted that I allow him to walk me home because he’d provided her with drinks and therefore had bought that privilege. 

We got to neither my home or his. He took me into an alley despite my pleas, I tried to pull against him but I was in a position where saying no was heard but ignored..

Against a wall he raised me just high enough to ram his penis inside me again and again. I kept telling him no but he just kept on and on.

The alley was full of black bin bags ready for collection the next day and I stared at them trying to resist him and all the time he complained that I wasn’t letting him fuck me properly.

He had paid my mother to have sex with me against my will. She sold my virginity for the price of half a dozen glasses of Southern Comfort. Did she do it deliberately? I’m not sure but she surely must have known it was wrong to demand I allow a man who was a stranger to me to walk me home. Had I confronted her should would have told me I was lying about being raped.

The second time was after I had found her whispering with a man I’d had a relationship with as a teenager. I was 15, he was 18 and he put me under constant pressure to have sex with him. My parents thought he was nice and it’s only as I got older that I realised that his behaviour was predatory.

The deal they’d been cooking up between them was that if I went camping with him then he would pay her air flight to Ireland to see a friend. He made it clear that camping was a euphemism for sex.

The final time she betrayed was at the housewarming me and a short-lived partner had in our flat. I was well into the throes of heavy drinking by then and knowing that I was probably going to pass out I went to bed. I automatically stripped off before getting into bed.

A while later I felt the bedclothes being whipped back and turned to see my mother exposing my nakedness to a group of people, mostly men. I remember covering myself up and screaming at them to get out. When I challenged her about it days later she said it was a joke and nothing bad had happened. Something could have happened, I was in a vulnerable position and she increased that vulnerability.

I put on an act and behave lovingly towards my mum when we FaceTime or speak on the phone but there is no love in my heart for her. Fear chased that away.